Confession Time


Politicians do confessing all wrong. They always seem to wait until they've been caught on something instead of airing it out, getting in front of it, and letting it go away by itself. I can recall three high-profile affairs confessed to in the past year, and if rumors are true, my very own governor may be next.

In the spirit of living my life better than a politician in every conceivable way, I've decided I have some confessing to do, and what better venue than my internet readership of three people. Also, the speech act is one of my favorite quirks of language, so I'll take any opportunity to act through words. I hereby confess:
  1. I'm the one who farted really loudly in Yoga class that one time. Everybody looked and the girl next to me got all red-faced, so I just let everyone else think it was her. It wasn't.
  2. I don't know what an airbender is, or why the last one is not even a person but an avatar, but that didn't stop me from borrowing the game expressly for the 1,000 gamer points available from a cheat in the first level.
  3. I just did this to you. I admit it. I did this too.
  4. I have hiked the actual Appalachian Trail. Not the whole thing.
  5. I have lost entire days of my life planning intricate dungeon master scenarios. I also spent about four years' worth of weekends pretending to be a wizard or jedi or whatever rather than going ANYWHERE that might have put me in contact with persons of the opposite sex.
  6. I still tell people who didn't know me then that I used to be in a band. I leave out the part that all I could play was the cowbell.
  7. Nobody asks for more cowbell.
  8. I have had dozens of philisophical discussions revolving around the movie The Matrix. I was not stoned for any of them.
  9. I once punched the monkey for a chance to win an Xbox.
  10. I bought a party game based on vocabulary so I could lord it over everybody when I won. I always lose at Scrabble.
  11. I care about fashion.
  12. For all my talk of radical apathy, I was really invested in the last election.
  13. I own music created by Russel Crowe.
  14. I've considered buying music created by Steven Seagal.
  15. I still sometimes think about punching people from high school.
  16. I originally got into acting because I thought it would be a good way to hang out with girls and get them to like me. The closest that came to working was sitting in a car with a gay guy drinking Smirnoff Ice before a performance once. He never called after that.
  17. I just wrote a list-based blog post because I didn't have anything better to say. I still had fun doing it.

Comments

  1. # 13 makes me want to bitch-slap you with an octopus.

    List blogs are so nice though aren't they? Those top ten things they do on almost every site somehow make it OK to do relatively no thinking whatsoever, yet be relevant enough that people seem to be interested in them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know what this comment has wrought, don't you? Prepare for a very special "song of the day". You won't know when, you won't know where. It will be mislabeled. You will hear faux-Spartacus sing.

    ReplyDelete

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